Would You Talk to a Friend This Way?

I have this friend. She’s great in so many ways. But when I told her I was starting my own life coaching business, the first thing she blurted out, I kid you not, was “Yeah right.” 

“Yeah right?!” Okay, rude!

Then she goes, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re a great listener and you have the education and all, but do you really think someone is going to pay you to help them? Have you ever built a website before? You’re not exactly a social media expert…you’re not going to be able to reach people. You don’t have a marketing background so you’re never going to be able to write anything that will attract clients. There are so many life coaches out there with decades of experience. No one will choose you over them. Why don’t you go back to the drawing board and think of something a bit more realistic.”

What a jerk!!

That friend doesn’t exist in my circle (thankfully). But she does exist in my brain. Those were all the things I told myself as I started taking the leap into this new career. And you know what? Not a single person in my life echoed those thoughts. When I’d tell people, they were excited! They were confident in me! 

So why was I such a jerk to myself? Why couldn’t I see the skills and talents they could see? I almost talked myself out of a career that I love. Thank goodness I didn't.

So what do we do when that jerk tries to take the microphone?

One tool that has been beneficial for me is what I call “The Friend Test.” When I catch myself being hard on myself, I have learned to pause and say “Okay, is this something I would say to a friend in the same situation?” Most of the time the answer is a resounding “No way!” So I say to myself (sometimes out loud for more emphasis and impact - yes I am that person who will talk to herself in the mirror. Don’t knock it til you try it) “If I wouldn’t talk to a friend this way, I’m not going to talk to myself this way.” It’s not about fighting against my thoughts. Thoughts are going to come - I can’t control them. It’s about questioning their validity with curiosity. “Is this true? Would I say it this way if I were talking with a friend?”

If you have time I encourage you right now to take out a piece of paper. 

Now, here’s what I want you to do:

1. Think of something you’re struggling with. 

2. Write down what you’re telling yourself about it.

3. Imagine your friend came to you with the exact same problem. What would you say?

4. Now compare the two.

Did you talk to yourself the same way you talked to your friend? My guess is for many of you, the answer is no.

So what ever happened to MY inner jerk? (I've named her Cynthia, by the way - I apologize if your name is Cynthia. It is nothing personal). She will probably never go away completely (nor would that actually benefit me - another topic for another day), but I have learned that when she reaches for the mic like it’s karaoke night I say,

“Not tonight, Cynthia. Not tonight.”